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Embracing Uncertainty

I don’t really know how it happened, but in the past three years I’ve managed to surround myself with people who have taught me more about myself than anything my eighteen years in Florida taught me. Being comfortable in one’s own skin is not an easy feat but it’s proven to be a little more bearable when surrounded by good company. In a city as big as NYC I’ve been able to mess up and start over without the guilt of not being perfect on the first try.

I’m learning to accept that there is not a certain way to look queer even when I feel my looks may fall flat compared to those who have been “out” for a while. But in the process of breaking down these barriers I have unintentionally found myself behind new ones. I feel as though people look at me for guidance in situations like these since I am pretty good at pretending I know the answers. (I do not.) Nonetheless, I have found spaces that have made me feel seen and heard and formed relationships with people who are willing to listen to my fears and concerns about my identity.

It’s how I know real love exists. True, deep, intentional connections are finally tangible to me because of the queer communities I am so fortunate to be a part of. It definitely took me a while to find these connections but now that I have them, I know I cannot let them go. 

Being authentic and real with myself has healed parts of me that I didn’t know were broken and it has also ripped open other parts of me that I didn’t know could tear. But more often than not I am grateful. I know how lucky I am to be able to live in my identity at all.

To be able to make mistakes and still be loved by those most important to me. To be able to change my mind and attempt to find words to describe what and who I am. 

Within all the confusion I am finding peace, and weirdly, not knowing has given me all the confidence I need. Certainty was my downfall and the catalyst of my anxiety, so I have released what I may never know and I am accepting the unknown.

Written and Photographed by Diana Victoria

Production Manager: Jazzi Almestica

Creative Directors: Jazzi Almestica, Diana Victoria

PA: Chloe-Kaleah Stewart

Talent: Atley Lawrence, Chloe-Kaleah Stewart

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