Deeper than sex: we need to talk about intimacy.

When you hear the words intimacy and desire, what do you think of? In many cases, people tend to associate these words with sex: sexual desire, sexual intimacy. But what happens when we start to reshape the way we think about these words?

Dating and relationships are complex. There's a wide range of emotions and feelings that occur, and as we’re evolving in the realm of dating, we more often than not end up viewing certain aspects of romantic relationships through a sexual, or what I will call a pornographic, lens. Now, when I use the term pornographic, I’m not only referring to sex. Feminist and poet Audre Lorde talks about this idea of the pornographic in her essay “Uses of the erotic: The erotic as Power,” where she describes pornography as sensation without feeling, in contrast to her definition of the erotic, which also holds deeper meaning than just sexual pleasure. The erotic is described as a spiritual and political source of power and creativity that connects us to deeper meaning. Lorde speaks of this power of the erotic in terms of how women in particular can use it to reclaim power and challenge systems that oppress or view them through a pornographic lens.

 So with the erotic vs. the pornographic in mind, we can bring it back to the context of modern dating. I argue that modern dating culture often blurs the line between the pornographic and the erotic, prioritizing instant attraction over the slow intimacy through which many women actually experience desire. 

Modern dating culture tends to revolve around instant chemistry or physical attraction. There's a lot of emphasis on “the spark”, on knowing right away if something is there. But for many women, desire does not emerge from immediacy, and instead grows through intimacy, such as actively being listened to, feeling emotionally safe, or even recognition that a person actually sees you. Desire in this sense is something that develops over time. This becomes clear when I hear people talk about the “honeymoon phase” in relationships, which is described as a blissful, carefree period in the early stages of a couple’s relationship, and then as the relationship progresses and months turn into years, what once was an argument-free connection turns into arguments here and there. Oftentimes, it can feel like something's drastically changed in the relationship; there was an immense amount of “passion” and “spark” in the beginning, and now it seems it's gone, often causing burnout early on.

But most of the time, the reality is that there is no inherent problem. Even in platonic relationships, the honeymoon phase exists. Things feel new and exciting at first, and then they don't. However, that doesn’t mean the relationship has worsened or is doomed; it just means you’ve developed with this person to learn your differences as opposed to just your similarities. This is where the confusion between the pornographic and the erotic starts to matter more. The beginning of a relationship can sometimes align with what Lorde would call the pornographic, not because it's shallow but because it's based in immediacy and intensity. There is excitement in being wanted quickly, in feeling an instant connection, which isn’t a bad thing, but can often expose what we project onto other people. What we fantasize someone to be vs. who they actually are.

As things develop and that intensity starts to lessen, intimacy becomes less about constant excitement and more about consistency and actually knowing each other. That shift can feel like something is missing or wrong if we’ve been taught that desire is supposed to feel intense all the time, but what’s actually happening is that a different kind of desire is forming, one that’s closer to what Lorde describes as the erotic. The erotic is more about depth, and for many women, it is within the erotic that desire actually grows. The problem is that modern dating culture doesn't always make space for that kind of desire. With dating apps, social media, and even the way people talk about attraction, there's a lot of pressure to decide quickly. You’re supposed to know right away if you’re into someone, and if you don’t feel that immediate spark, you assume it's not worth pursuing.

This doesn’t mean hookup culture or casual sex are inherently shallow or wrong, as they can be really important spaces for exploration and autonomy; the issue is more about what tends to get emphasized. Both immediacy and slowness can be meaningful in different ways. When immediacy becomes the main way we measure attraction, though, other ways of experiencing desire start to get overlooked. Because of that, desire often gets misread or simplified to one thing. 

Thinking through Lorde’s idea of the erotic offers a different way of approaching modern dating culture. It makes room for desire to be multifaceted. This isn’t about rejecting sex, early attraction, or the excitement of something new, but rather an expansion on how we define intimacy and desire. When we reshape the way we think of these words, we realize that not everything meaningful has to start with a spark, and that desire can take different forms, some of which take time to unfold.