Having a Boyfriend Isn’t Embarrassing if You Aren’t.

To be fair, optimization under patriarchy is exhausting.

Last October, Vogue put out its ever-relevant “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” article, which made the rounds on practically every media site that exists. CNN interviewed the author, The Guardian did a follow-up article, and every short-form and long-form content creator gave their two cents and then an extra penny. Most reactions correctly assessed the magnitude of how women’s dating history and romantic decisions impact their social status, and to a greater extent than for men.

Women being cognizant of this fact, especially with social media making the struggles of dating amidst blatant misogyny and patriarchal double standards painfully aware, have developed heightened vigilance regarding their choice of partners that they choose to associate themselves with publicly. Any failing in a woman’s partner that a hypothetical audience online notices before she does is beyond mortifying. With the help of TikTok’s Stitches and YouTube’s clips and Twitter’s quote tweets, the woman associated with some relational humiliation is forever branded as yet another case study in why dating men today is a humiliating experience. 

Or embarrassing, as one would say.

The result of this shift is people consuming content that teaches viewers how to minimize such dating “losses” in the quest for love. What this looks like for content particularly geared towards women is a positive feedback loop established between emotional hypervigilance about potential disillusionment and… interesting dating tips.

Yet, these dating pointers are far from harmless, especially for young and impressionable audiences looking to older figures on social media for advice. The loudest guidance about attracting, attaining, and maintaining a high-value man often recreates traditional purity culture, which is and has always historically been enshrined in patriarchy and misogyny. The founding principles of purity culture assert that women’s value in relationships comes from maintaining their purity through virginity, much of which is echoed in social media posts discouraging casual dating and physical intimacy. However, purity culture takes on a revitalized, “feminist” disguise, claiming to want the best for women, and doing nothing to dismantle the idea that a woman’s status is elevated by acquiring a partner. This modified version, which is prominent in many women’s dating advice accounts, promotes refraining from engaging in casual dating and/or physical intimacy in order to “not give” anything to a man, i.e., sex, without “getting” something in return, which typically may be money, gifts, or commitment. Not only does this lead women to suppress their natural desires for sex, but it also teaches women that expressing and executing said desires are mainly for men’s gratification, and especially at their detriment, given how physical intimacy is also framed as an act that is “done to” or “takes” from a woman.

Love can’t be earned with “purity” as if the love of your life would judge you for wanting to have sex with them.

We aren’t misguided for recognizing that men’s priority in the history of men being women’s partners was rarely about being good life companions. Joking about men being selfish or emotionally unavailable, immature or narcissistic or unreliable or inconsistent or defensive or controlling, or inconsiderate is consoling, especially when our dating lives seem to have more downs than ups.

All that kind of consoling does is reinforce the perception that disappointment while dating men is to be expected. 

But expecting disappointment doesn’t save us from disappointment; it just saves us from feeling disappointed. You can’t be disappointed if you have no expectations, right? 

Where does that leave us with love and romance?

Falling in love is too beautiful a thing not to experience because of hopeless pessimism. The fact that love is present in every art form since the dawn of time means that it exists, and the fact that people across time have enjoyed every art form’s expression of love means that the kind of love we all want is attainable. The kind of love that makes us feel seen and heard without judgment. The kind of love where we feel understood in ways we can’t verbalize. The kind of love that is persistent and perseveres through all the hardships that life has to offer during our short time here.

If you have a male partner who can’t, or won’t, give you the love that you want, and you keep him around nonetheless, you’re the embarrassing one. Life can only give you as far as you wish to dream. If you barely dare to dream as good as a partner who isn’t thoughtful, but he only gives you the ick biweekly, why would you deserve a partner from the stuff of romcoms? Clearly, you’re fine with less.

You’re only as embarrassing as what you accept. 

And desperate mediocrity has never been romantic or sexy.